Blogging for Sanity

A love story

2008-04-20T23:03:00.000-07:00

I was reminded today of how very much I love this place and the people who live here.
This montage of photos is offered as a gift: in deep gratitude for what we have. The photographs were taken at or within a few miles of my home here in Upper Lake.

March 11: Renee's Birthday Message

2008-03-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

It took me a whole year to post this. Here is a very short video message from Renee at this time last year here:

Couldn't bring myself to post this until today.

Denise

Springtime

2008-03-04T00:15:00.000-08:00

I do not remember last spring. Or summer or autumn for that matter. It has been a very long winter --seems like a very long one indeed.

But we live in a Universe of renewal, and spring does eventually come, doesn't it?

I wrote this poem after a weekend of beauty here. And I, overcome by it.

Springtime

VIolets and jonquils
celebrate sunlight,
together.
Mint and Marjoram,
your new leaves
sing aloud!
Quail
so quick and fleeting…
Did you remember her promise?
(She said you would come!)
a glimpse,
unexpected, brought
tears.

Song of Joy,
I thought you would not find me!
Gratitude,
You remembered
My fragile heart.
Springtime,
Thank you for being here,
Thank you, Thank you
For being.

Other poems are here: Poems of Grief

Healing

2007-10-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much to all who have supported me in my grief process in whatever ways i have asked of you. There are some who expect me to be okay by now.... I'm really not, and I do not know when I will be. What I know is that healing will take more time than I could have imagined and I will never be the same as I was before. I need time and space to heal --sometimes it helps to withdraw from social events, sometimes work and activity is a balm. Grief catches me by surprise on most days.

Your kindness is a lifeline, each gesture a gift.

Thank you

Good Good Food

2007-08-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

In the last 24 hours, I chose meals that were locally grown--all grown almost entirely from my own farm and garden.

Yesterday, I ate "farm-grown fast food" for dinner: 2 giant freestone peaches off my peach tree, a handful of cherry tomatoes off my tomato vines, a bunch of grapes off my grape vines and a sparkling glass of mint-ice water using the mint from my herb garden.

This morning for breakfast: A scramble--a sliced zuchinni from the garden sauteed in locally-produced olive oil with two farm fresh eggs (produced by my chickens), seasoned with chives and basil.

For lunch today I am having some more grapes, and a fresh tomato salad with walnuts and an herb vinagrette. And for dessert: some of Sky Hoyt's local strawberry sorbet.

In our country, food travels, on average, 1500 miles from producer to table, requiring huge amounts of fossil fuels both to grow it and deliver it. Most of THIS food traveled less than 100 feet. And I guarantee it tastes a lot better.

Everything is flavorful and colorful and nutritious. August is so bountiful here... it can't get much better than this. I can't think of a better way to heal my own spirit, and heal earth at the same time.

Natural building. continued...

2007-08-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

We are still in the process of building a small demonstration cottage from cob (monolithic adobe) and strawbales. Here is a pictorial chronicle of the progress so far. Enjoy:

Buy Local Food

2007-07-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

We already know how important it is to shop locally. And by buying local food, we support our farmers and economy right where we live! So why not pledge to buy a portion of your food locally?

If you are interested in taking a local food pledge , pledging to eat at least 1 pound a week from local sources, then visit this link:

As an added incentive: by signing up, you could win a prize! For example, the top prize of $6000 worth of landscaping would plant a great garden. (If you win that prize, and don't have room for a garden, let me know and I am sure we can help you find a fledgling community group that could use the help.)

If you live in lake County, to help you meet your 1 pound a week commitment, I have posted some ideas from Lakefuture members on the LakeFuture website

Remembering Renee

2007-06-17T13:52:00.001-07:00

The loss of Renee is profound. My grief: deeper than words... As I attempt to share a glimpse of what is in my heart at any moment, I realize that the whole of it is too much to describe. How does one sum up such all-encompassing love? Ours was an unlikely and magical and sometimes infuriating love story. We companioned each other through fourteen years of raising children, joys, devastation, transformation, heartbreaks and triumphs. We ended more in love than we began.

Now I carry on alone. I am filled with awe and gratitude for this amazing gift of Renee (renewal) in my life, mindful that her love changed me, strengthened me and is more than enough to sustain me, even now. Her final gift, saying goodbye, has set in motion a new process of transformation.

Here is a slideshow of recent photographs:

Renee is at Peace

2007-05-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

Renee died very peacefully this evening at 8:44pm Thanks to all for
your love and prayers as we send her on her way.

In love and gratitude,

Denise

======================================

Below is her obituary and here is a brief clip of Renee's own thoughts on death and dying...

OBITUARY

Renee Shields

Born: March 11. 1944 Died: May 12, 2007

Renee Shields, resident and teacher in Upper Lake, CA, died on May 12, 2007 from cancer. She was 63 years old.

Renee was born Lorraine Gail Shields, in Merced, California on March 11, 1944. She entered religious life as a Sister of the Holy Family in 1963, taking the name Sister Mary Renee, and remained in religious life for 30 years. She left the convent and entered into a committed partnership with Denise Rushing in 1993 and helped raise two children: Brian Rushing, now 24, and Teresa Rushing, now 22.

Renee taught Special Education at Upper Lake High School and was a licensed family counselor. She held two Masters Degrees: One in counseling from California State University-Fresno and one in religious education from University of San Francisco. She was a credentialed teacher, who worked in Public Schools since 1997 and taught religious education for 30 years, while a Sister of the Holy Family. She also co-founded Rockhaven Ecozoic Center, a non-profit eco-spiritual retreat center and holistic community in House Springs Missouri.

Renee is survived by her sister Cynthia Shields of Fresno, California, her brothers, James Arthur Shields III of Parker, Colorado and Harold Shields of Clovis, California as well as nieces and nephews in California, Colorado and Texas. She leaves behind immediate family including domestic partner of 14 years, Denise Rushing and her two adult children: Brian Rushing of Portland, Oregon and Teresa Rushing of Upper Lake, CA.

Renee took great joy in flower arranging, weaving, caring for the pets and livestock at the family’s farm and creative tasks, including baking cookies and cakes for the students and staff at Upper Lake High School. Throughout life, she was known for her kindness and humor, her generosity, and her love of children. She is remembered with deep love and gratitude by all she encountered.

Private Services will be held at a future date. The family asks that in lieu of flowers, memorial donations be sent to one of the following organizations:

Sisters of the Holy Family,
P. O. Box 3248,
Mission San Jose, CA 94539-0324

Hospice Services of Lake County,
1717 South Main Street
Lakeport, CA 95453

Rockhaven Ecozoic Center
7621 Rivermont Trail
House Springs, MO 63051

For Renee, I need....

2007-05-12T15:40:00.000-07:00

Renee has been more than 5 days without water, just shallow breathing and no change in vital signs.... this is wearing on her body, on me and everyone near... she is so close to death, but not letting go.
So, I need your help...

-------------------------
THE DREAM.
Renee visited one of our Renee-care group in a dream last night. In
the dream, a room full of people were drumming for Renee. Renee came to her and said "tell them to stop the drumming, they need to let me go, I cannot go while they keep drumming" but the drumming continued. Renee asked her to make them stop, but the dreamer was powerless to stop it.
--------------------------

So, what is "the drumming?" Perhaps it represents everyone's worries and concerns about me and those she is leaving behind? Or perhaps it represents wishes and thoughts for her to regain health? (Or maybe someone is really drumming?)

Here is what I need you to do: Turn your thoughts from any worrying about me, or Brian, or Teresa, or her classroom kids, or family and relatives and friends. I need you to place your thoughts and intentions on saying goodbye to Renee--letting her go, and wishing her well on her way. She needs this.

Oh, and please stop drumming.

With love, and gratitude,

Denise

Hours...

2007-05-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

It is surreal here at this hour. Renee's breathing is shallow and changing. Her heart rate is up even more, she is still hanging on, even though she hasn't been able to drink water for more than four days.
We are present to her, here and now. Powerless to stop death, we simply work on small comforts... repositioning her body, moistening her mouth, applying lip balm, massaging her feet with lotion..... and whispering goodbye.

Please know that your words and ongoing acts of love and support have been a great comfort, sustaining us even now.

In gratitude,

Denise

Just days...

2007-05-08T06:35:00.000-07:00

Renee and I have been together for fourteen years. She is so ill now that she can no longer speak and she has only a few days left to live. I, for once, am without words...

...except to say that the time seems to have passed in an instant.

Here she is in the kitchen just a few short weeks ago.

New Life

2007-04-17T04:06:00.000-07:00

Spring time brings new life to Dancing TreePeople Farm. We have seven new baby pygmy goats!!!

Here is a video of Daisy's babies:

The Daisies

Letting Go

2007-03-09T12:36:00.000-08:00

During the campaign, Renee aquired a puppy. I bonded with this little dog --"Star." She could have just as easily been named "Joy" for the delight she brought to our home.

We now find Star SO energetic that we needed to give her a new home during this time. To me, letting go of this little dog carries with it a great sadness--I suppose that she represents how much letting go is happening right now. So I thought I would share a few photos...

May 2007 UPDATE:
Star came back to us. I got a call--she was found 40 miles from her new home, and she still had our license tags on her, so those that found her called ME. When I went to pick her up, she fell asleep in my arms--it was like she was trying to make her way home. I see this as a sign! The new owners say its okay--I plan to keep her after all.

Gratitude, Part 2

2007-02-08T05:28:00.000-08:00

This past month gratitude entered with an even greater poignancy and depth for me. News arrived with a clarity and force that shook my reality: my partner and soulmate of 14 years has been diagnosed with advanced terminal cancer. Suddenly, our world has changed. Whatever our personal plans were, they have evaporated and life is now grounded in the day-to-day.

Gratitude.

I am even more mindful that each day, each hour, that passes is a gift. I am filled with gratitude for the time we have been given, for a special love, and for a life-giving friendship. I hold a deep admiration for Renee’s grace and courage, and for her astounding acceptance and trust, even as she faces the great abyss of her own death. That she has been part of my life can only be described as a grand miracle, one to which I still pause in amazement.

Many of us watch those we love face their own brave journey with this horrible disease and we all watch it play out, powerless in the face of its progress, taking our mothers and fathers, our brothers and sisters, our children and friends.

So let me tell my truth about all of this: I do not want to see my loved one die of cancer before her time. I just don’t. But this is the reality of it. And as we work so hard to stop death, or slow its march, all we accomplish is perhaps eking out a bit more life along the way to the inevitable. So I hope to celebrate what we’ve been given in the present moment and accept life on the terms it has been given, grateful for every bit. It's all good.

Gratitude

2006-11-23T22:33:00.000-08:00

What makes this Thanksgiving special?

At the end of a long and difficult campaign, some might think that it would be my winning the race for local political office. And while I am thankful for this win, gratitude takes a different form today. First, I am mindful that many good people worked so hard to make it happen and that other good people who worked hard for the other side have been disappointed. My gratitude is for all the hope and effort and energy that went into this race... from both sides. For my part, I ran to serve my community, so I am thankful that the majority of my fellow citizens have seen fit to grant me that opportunity. No doubt I will need to work hard to earn it. For whatever reason, I feel called to do this right now, and to know that I am working on something noble, and much bigger than myself, and to be engaged in a process of transformation and courage and humility... well, that is something, isn't it? Humbing and hopeful.

Victory in this race was dampened by the fact that I lost a dear friend and colleague to cancer partway through. And now this week brings news that someone close to me is facing her own brave journey where the outcome has yet to be written. So today, I am mindful that each day, each hour, that passes is a gift. I am filled with gratitude for the time we have been given, and a special love, for friendship, and an admiration of the courage one must have to take on such a difficult illness.

We are an insane people. These illnesses that we biopsy and irradiate and remove (and often to which we succumb) are but a symptom of a greater problem--many are awakening to the insanity with a chilling realization that we have taken for granted the most basic of gifts: clean water, wholesome food, and a world that accepts and tranforms the waste we create. This path we are on leads to ruin: we will consume ourselves... soon enough, I suppose, unless we choose not to.

The heart of our problem may well be a lack of gratitude.

So today, let's give thanks for the miracle of our own lives, of the life around us and the precious gifts that allow us to be. For friendship and love and for all those who bear the painful burden of our excess, and for the simple gifts that mean so much and were given to so many of us for free: health and sunshine and love among them, and (of course) life--which is so very very fragile. Perhaps our love and gratitude will help us create a new way forward.

Work in progress

2006-08-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

Here are a few of photos of the natural building project at the orchard. Look for a few more photos later after we complete the plaster finish.

Building a cob wall.
The building takes shape... with Hobbit-like nooks and peaceful spaces.

Natural Building Workshop

2006-07-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

Our Dancing TreePeople Orchard and Garden hosted its first workshop this past week: Natural Building. Massey Burke was the instructor and did a terrific job teaching as well as keeping the group on task. I was pleased that most of those taking the course were from Lake County. Within the first day, we were working well together and formed a cohesive group for the duration of the class.

The materials are all from Lake County or nearby (we decided to get the rice straw from the central valley). With the exception of the roof and a few supports--we are avoiding the use of wood in the structure. The walls are either strawbale or cob. NO not CORN cob--but rather clay adobe build in place. Cob is from an old english word meaning loaf or lump. It is a mixture of clay, sand and straw--and is suprisingly strong, resiliant and maleable. In England, the cob homes exposed to the weather lose one inch a century. This small structure will have the added benefit of a natural plaster protection as well.

The clay cob is surprisingly easy to work with--and a lot of fun, too.

At this writing--our class structure is half complete. In August (8-12) , we will have another class: Natural Plasters where we will finishh many of the walls.

I will post a few photos soon thereafter

Baby chicks

2006-05-05T17:12:00.000-07:00

One of our Silkie hens has been brooding for the past few weeks. A couple of days ago, the chicks started to hatch. Here are a couple of videos:

First watch:

This morning (3.5 MB)

Then:

This afternoon (7+ MB)

Enjoy!!

Untended, Unintended

2006-04-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

Untended. The walnut orchard is overgrown as we cultivate other actions this spring. My campaign for supervisor takes precedence this season, and many neighbors and friends are wholeheartedly working to make it happen. Still, it is difficult to see the oat cover crop go to seed on unplanted beds. (My no-till grain planting experiment WORKED!)

Unintended. I moved some hay bales away from the chicken coops today. When I lifted one of the bales, out scurried a half-dozen baby mice. Next to the nest of mice was another nest... I expected mice in the hay. What I did not expect was a baby rattlesnake. There it was--were there others?. Before i could get a tool to poke around and see, it was gone. Where's mama?

I concentrate on caring for the animals as a first priority, and after that, we will have to wait until after the election for the next innovation at Dancing TreePeople orchard. Brian is here for a week or two to help with the garden. we may or may not get the orchard mowed. We may or may not get the next experimental cover crop planted. We will not replace the sheep, for now. We will be lucky to plant vegetables, but won't get the food forest trees planted. While all this is left undone, much is afoot. We are planting different seeds this spring.

My effort lately has been to meet voters face-to-face. I am lucky now to be able to leave much of the daily organizing, phone calling, voter registration and fund-raising to others. We've created a campaign that gains more energy by the week. It's fun and it is already making a difference.

To have so many talented and interested campaign volunteers is both humbling and energizing. This campaign is designed to harness that willing energy. What I did not expect was how reinforcing the energy is to me as a candidate. The harder i work, the more volunteers and donations I receive. The more people donate of their time, talent and treasure, the more energy I have to give. Amazing.

Tragedy

2006-01-16T11:51:00.000-08:00

The events of this past day have been too horrible to contemplate.

Two nights ago, we lost ALL of our sheep to a pack of wild dogs or coyotes (we think) based upon the nature of the wounds. Animal control told us they thought it might have been a mountain lion--but at 6:30 am we found a pack of wild dogs still in the sheep yard, so we think the dogs did it. The carnage was horrible.

The thing is, the pen is right next to our house and we heard NOTHING. In the early morning we found two dead (Twinkle and Buttercup) and Dancer is nowhere to be found. The sheep had broken open the fence gate trying to escape--so Dancer probably ran away--but she has not returned and we have searched and searched for her. I do not have much hope that we will find her alive.

I do not know how the predators got into the sheep area but they did. I think they knocked down a segment of fencing (there was evidence of a struggle) or leaped the fence. The sheep would never let us close them in the barn at night--though they slept there when it rained. They would never let me shut the door (they always bolted out). The net is this: these sheep died a terrifying death.

We have only had these magnificant animals since early December. We were looking forward to their lambs in the spring. Renee and I spent yesterday burying Buttercup and Twinkle in the spot they used to enjoy sitting.

I am not sure what the lesson of this is... I wish I could write something profound about life and death and the give and take of living in the country..... but this is just horror.

Natural Building Class

2006-01-11T23:49:00.000-08:00

I am still planning a natural building class here at Dancing Treepeople. It will be in mid-july. I will post the exact dates once I have them. We will be implementing a combination of natural methods, strawbale, cob and others. If you, or anyone you know, is interested in learning these techniques and would like to join us, let me know.

Plus, I was excited to discover that Michael Pena from the Robinson Rancheria Band of Pomo Indians is interested in natural building classes too! We may join forces and get something going here together. The tribe is planning a number of structures and they may even go into the business of producing local adobe bricks!

Hat hovering over the ring....

2006-01-04T23:18:00.000-08:00

I can't help but feel that we are on the threshold here in Lake County. A precipice, really. We face huge forces that will change the place forever if not carefully managed by people of integrity who are paying attention and understand what is at stake. Most people I know feel that the beauty and way of life here will be overrun by outside economic interests. (we do not even have sufficient developer fees in this county) A number of folks believe that we need a change of county supervisors in a couple of districts, including mine. Many agree that the fate of the county hangs in the balance.

So, here is what happened: I kept waiting for someone to emerge that I could support. I was ready to launch their campaign even. I waited.... and waited... and waited. I faced a cold realization: no one else is running for whom I would want to vote, let alone campaign. What is that old saying? You are the leader you have been waiting for. Some people were asking me to consider running for county supervisor.

Yikes. If I choose to run, I face a long-time incumbant who is accessible to people, known by everyone, and shows up. I would face criticism that I have lived here for less than two years. An easy choice would be to just keep waiting, at least until the next term, when folks could get to know me better. The problem is this: in four years, it will be too late. Who will work as hard as i will to protect this place? Four more years will see so much destruction.... and so much is at stake.

So here we are: The Choice. To move into public service is a significant step. As successful as I have been, I have never aspired to a public, political life. As I thought about it, I realized that (at minimum) I have the management and analytic skills and abilities to do a very good job for the people of Lake County. I will pay attention, and am astute enough to understand the forces at play... Lake County needs people like me who will serve with integrity and a higher ideal but can excel at the day-to-day management reality.

Bottomline: I decided that I WILL take this step, IF the people will have me... The real challenge will be to get to know folks, to let them get to know me, and to really understand their hopes and desires for our lives here.

It seems to me that true leaders can and must create a positive vision of community life: one where everyone can share in the abundance an area has to offer (not just a select few with the means to exploit it) and all can have a hand in restoring and preserving places of beauty for future generations.

Up until now, I've been dedicated to promoting a vision of an ecologically sustainable future for people in relationship to the natural world. This is self-reliance. I chose to be here in Lake County, precisely because this place has not yet been utterly spoiled. Here, it is still possible to recreate a local economy and a vision in keeping with a rich local history. Here we can still have a relationship with the natural world and potential for a life-giving, connected, self-reliant community.

I wonder: Is it even possible to articulate such a vision in modern politics? Perhaps people already feel it in their soul and just need leaders to really serve: to listen well and work hard to preserve that which we most value.

As a first task, I and a handful of (amazing) supporters initiated a local signature drive--signatures in lieu of filing fees--to gauge voter support. I will be going door-to-door to talk with people.

I've discovered that campaigns are quite expensive. Family, friends and constiuents--all are welcome to donate to this (my first) election campaign: Denise Rushing for Supervisor and I hope that you will support me in this in any way you can. My website is up: DeniseForSupervisor.org.

Two quotes

2005-12-27T22:41:00.000-08:00

A review. First, I offer one of my favorite quotes from poet William Stafford:

For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give - yes or no, or maybe
Should be clear: the darkness around us is deep...

I offer this second quote in the service of an awake people. It is from the U.S Bill of Rights, Amendments to the U.S. Constitution. Italics are mine:

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Remember? We mustn't forget that the reasons these rights are in our constitution is to guard against tyranny, and it is so easy for leaders to argue that safety is more important than liberty. Today, democracy requires our vigilence. The signals we give should be clear. Or are "We, the people" asleep?

Sunset...

2005-12-05T23:57:00.000-08:00

...on Mars!

Okay, I must admit that I am a little bit unsettled by this picture:

It was taken by the Mars Rover on May 19, 2005. If you contemplate it long enough, you get a sense of where we are in relationship to it. (Hint: closer to the Sun) I can imagine myself with the Rover at the time this picture is taken--it could just as easily be somewhere in the Southwest desert here on Earth except... doesn't our sun look tiny? Aren't we fortunate to be on this spinning orb instead of Mars? What luck.

Wow.